Crushable Predicts The Plot of the Angry Birds Movie

The Angry Birds movie is moving forward apace. And while there are those doubters out there who think it’s silly and preposterous to make a feature film out of an iPhone game, the creators of said film will not be discouraged. In fact, David Maisel, the former Chairman of Marvel Studios (and executive in charge of the picture), believes it will change the face of video game movie adaptations. This is, clearly, excellent news. No longer will movie premises be confined to the tyranny of board games, as recently and excellently discussed by Mindy Kaling in the New Yorker. The world of video game based films is only at its beginning. Please enjoy our projections for 2012’s blockbusters.

Angry Birds: A serious drama in the animal kingdom. When a group of smug, crooked-teeth pigs (Paul Giamatti, Whoopi Goldberg, and Robin Williams) steals the eggs right out of a bird’s nest, the entire bird community gets very, very angry. Sure, not everyone will survive — every mission is a suicide mission — but along the way, our heroes (Bradley Cooper, Anne Hathaway, and Joe Jonas) learn about projectile physics, bombs, and maybe — just maybe — a little about themselves.

Words With Friends: Finally, the drama of putting down random letters in the hopes that they might be a word comes to the big screen! When two friends (Katy Perry and Kellan Lutz) sit down for a game that is assuredly not Scrabble (and is, therefore, lawsuit-free), they have no idea what kind of high-octane ride will ensue. Over the course of one crazy night, they’ll learn what the hell “qis” means, why you should never pass when a triple-word score is in play, and maybe, just maybe, a little about themselves.

Solitaire: It was all just supposed to be a quick diversion, but when our hero (Demi Lovato) gets sucked into a live-action version of the game Solitaire, she discovers it’s actually a world filled with high-stakes drama. As she tries to get back home, she’ll learn the real reason hearts and diamonds can’t be next to each other, the terror that lurks underneath the top card on the pile and maybe, just maybe, a little about herself.