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April 18, 2012

Big Much

My Aunt Diane is visiting for the week. She brought Mommal back from her long stay in Louisiana. On our way to lunch the other day, she was asking Ivy about her brothers in school. Did she miss them? And Ivy said yes, very much. "But you know who I miss big much? Poppal!"

It was one of those things that caught me off guard and just snuck up on us, and we all just smiled and ached. We took a balloon and peanuts from Texas Corral to the cemetery. If you knew him, you'd think that's perfect.

I was having sadtimes last night thinking about him, and life, and how much he would love to see Ivy in dance, and how the boys have grown, Gray's new teeth, he is missing out on some awesome stuff. And they miss out on having him in their life. I miss out on him. I miss his love. I can't even begin to think about how much my mom misses him.

I lost my Gram when I was in second grade and my mind wanders to how different my life would have been if I hadn't missed out on having her in so much of my life. It just feels so unfair. And I don't understand it, so I just try not to. And I know this isn't forever, I know the promises that await. But still, that doesn't chase the tears away.

Sometimes I'm baffled that he's been gone more than a year now. Time is strange like that.

oh my heart...i know this, "big much". the ache from my grandma's death is still so deep and wide and fresh and there are moments like that that knock the wind right out of me. like every time we drive by the hospital and my daughter says "mommy? great mommy sick and she go to doctor." and my heart breaks again remembering. my grandpa's been gone for two years now but the ache sometimes feels so fresh i can hardly breathe. but those memories - they are what is precious and good - that's what we can hang onto. *hugs*

that's precious. and i get this so much. i'm so sad at what my dad is missing..and what my girls and i are missing from him. preparing for my 4th baby, 1st son and this is the 1st baby my dad isn't around for. and this baby is due right around when my dad died almost 2 years ago. my girls will randomly tell me they miss poppo so much...bittersweet...

My Mama Jo was born on April 14th and died exactly 73 years later. Although I know most people don't think anything of it, there's always been something...just something...special about her birthday and her welcome-to-heaven day being the same. That was 10 years ago and there are still days that I ache for her just like I did on the day she died. The very first thing I said after my oldest was born was that I wished she could have been there. And my sweet Daddy patted my shoulder gently and said, "She is." And my never-cry Daddy and I both teared up and smiled. She may be gone, but she'll always be right here. (And now I've gone off crying again, danggit!)

Totally broke my heart. Time is such a funny thing. My grandmother passed away 4 years ago and it seems like it was just yesterday, whereas we moved to Germany 3 years ago, and it feels like it's been forever.

And remember. He can see them. I'm sure he's got amazing season tickets in the front row.

I'm doing this Bible study right now on Daniel and eschatology. I'm learning some details about those "promises that await" that I never knew before and they fill me with excitement. Still, like you, I find it all too teary at times.