Broke out in hives today. I say hives, but really it was a mutiny of hives that formed one giant right-side-of-my-face-enveloping hive.

It itched like H-E double fucking hockey sticks, and Marti and I were on our way to the grocery store, so I had to sit in line looking like Bear Grylls after he got stung by a bee (an eerie humanization of Piglet from Winnie the Pooh).

Oh Pooh

Turns out, per the interwebs, my body was getting rid of toxins in the form of a giant skin tomato. Awesome! Thanks, Juicer!!! Three exclamations!!!

Day 3: I write today’s entry from the toilet, having some adverse side effects from juicing.

WARNING: Juicing may cause recreation of Mt. Vesuvius in pants at inopportune times – like, 4- miles out during a run. Craving red meat….

“Uhh, his name isn’t Brawny, he’s just a generic lumberjack logo for….”

“Juice him! His nutrients taste like Maple Syrup Bacon!”

Day 5: Feeling a little loopy. Maybe i didn’t wash those beets enough…I’ll let you pick the concurrent madness to physical affliction:

Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings

Every time a white lab coat walks in the room Pavlov’s Dogs salivate

3. Every time I drink juice, I have to poop. Like, right now.

Instead of salivating for Pavlov’s bell(s), my brain initiates an urgent peristalsis, agitating the southernmost sphincter like a gasping carp.

Apparently my body isn’t used to healthiness. Either that, or Marti has been plopping Metamucil into the juicer, creating a – to quote Johnny Cash; “Ring of Fire.”

Day 6: Had to excuse myself from conversation at a party after drinking a beet/celery rum mix. Friends Mark, and Nate were asking how I like juicing.

The word “Joos” wasn’t completely formulated, and I had to go. Something’s wrong. I have a conditioned response…

Day 7: You don’t want to know.

Day 8: Googling from the bathroom the last two days – WebMD says side-effects of juicing are as follows: diarrhea, rash, flushing (of toilets AND skin), nausea, the inability to pronounce J’s, werewolf tendencies, loose foreskin, man tits, sensitivity to the color purple, aggression towards old people, 7 hour erections, and Chinese Buffet cravings.

Every time the doorbell rings, I end up back in here.

sent from my iPhone

Day 9: Woke up naked in the produce aisle at the grocery store, again. Vegetables violently strewn about – covered in juice…it was a horrible scene, Manson Family-esque. Assistant manager called the police, but I grabbed a brown Forever Lazy sweat pants suit off an end cap, and blended in with the shuffling customers. Bought more vegetables, and fruit

Day 10: Juicing has been so awesome! I can’t recommend it enough! I’ve gained 13 pounds, lost my left ring finger, and can’t find my car, but it’s been soooo worth it. – Mike

I feel your pain(?). Got the same model around Christmas and the first few juice days resulted in immediate bathroom trips. Carrie has all the hot recipes if you want them. I’m into anything containing carrots, because juicing them has a very pleasant crunching sound. Cabbage is also fun to juice. I don’t recommend drinking it, though.

Totally hilarious! … gas-ping carp. Good one. Carpe Diem (or Carpe Anus, as the case may be. Behind.). Are you on a juice “fast,” or just adding it into your normal diet? I’ve been warned about juice “fasts”… pretty much what you’re experiencing, i.e., don’t wander far from a toilet, and on the last day, be prepared to witness excretions from your body that you thought only existed in offal bars. Good luck!

I have done cleanses off and on for the past 6 years. Each time I do one I say I’ll never do it again. Then I watch that evil do-gooder Dr. Oz, and I feel it necessary to do a juice cleanse. The longest I’ve ever done one is 30 days. I lost 12 pounds, a relationship, my friends, my job and my back hair.

Day 3-4 I’m an absolutely nightmare. I’ve been known to go into an obscenity-spewing state where I become slightly homicidal. Day 4-6 is spent on the toilet giving birth to everything I ate for the last 3 years.

I couldn’t get past loose foreskin and 7 hour erections. Do those things work together well? Pleasure or pain? I can’t quite figure out if it’s functionally satisfying (to owner and/or recipient) or horrifying (to look at and/or live with).

Oh yeah, I’ve dabbled in a bit of juicing over the years !
I don’t know that my um side effects (?) were quite as extreme, but they were some definite similarities – I think my body went into shock after what had been a chocolate red wine and cocktail diet !
I now stick to a daily green smoothie – I think my body finally adapted ! I

Why would you give up the chocolate, red wine and cocktail diet? Sounds awesome – you could mix it all up together with the green smoothie.
Kidding, stories like yours give me hope in this juicing thing.

she-sus feckin’ christ this was funny. like really feckin’ funny. i hope you’ve stopped that juicing. i did it with wifesy and i wanted to die, kill everyone, and eat a baby, but i did lose ten lbs. loool. sweet potatoes. you can juice them… i’m not kidding… xo, sm

Haha, thanks Mom. I’m easing my way into it now – baby steps. Speaking of babies, i wasn’t craving baby, but I did have an extended conversation about going cannibal at one point.
Didn’t know sweet potatoes had juice! Now i know what I’m doing this weekend….

Never heard of that doc., looks interesting. When you do start juicing, just make sure a toilet is nearby at all times.
Rib smoothie sounds awesome – I think you’re on to something. BBQ Steak shake mmmm